Well, hello there! Fancy meeting you here. Welcome back to the Internet’s favorite drunken advice column, Am I The Literary Asshole? It’s the place where we ponder all of life’s hardest-hitting questions, such as “Why does my dog walk out of the room every time I read my work aloud?” and “If a blurb falls in the forest and no one’s around to read it does it still say searing and compelling?” I’m your host, Kristen Arnett, and I just got back from a week of teaching at Kenyon Writers Workshop. I’ve gotta tell you, there’s something so delightfully affirming about spending time with people working hard to make art. It’s an honest pleasure to remember that we do this because we love it; we do it because we care very deeply.
Cheers to that lovely sentiment! I’ll pop us a bottle of champagne and we can sip and read through today’s questions.
Here’s to joy, books, and friendship. Onto our first caller:
1) Hey Dad,
This is a relatively low-stakes one. My good buddy is a horror author of some renown and it could not be more deserved. She’s brilliant, driven, the queen of structure, and I love to see her winning. That’s not the issue. The issue is the new name-dropping that’s come since her book came out.
We both started in a small artistic community together, in a scene that’s a lot more intentional about respecting people but not making a big deal out of celebrity. It was great; it meant we could work with amazing talent (and tbh she *is* amazing talent, too, it’s gotta be said) and everyone was there to make shows as a team. But ever since she became a Horror Author instead of a theater kid, she’s fallen in with a group of semi-famous authors, and all she wants to talk about is who all she’s hanging out with instead of me! I read all her new friends, and I like them, and I love that there’s a big cohort of horror authors who are big sweeties to each other. But all the name-dropping with no intermission makes me feel like a loser pleb who can’t hang! My most famous friend is her, and the being-famous thing isn’t what I love about her! Is the friendship totally cooked because she goes to genre-con afterparties with famous directors? That’s what all the name-dropping makes me worry about.
I really don’t think she’s doing it intentionally, and all the ways I’ve imagined saying “hey man, maybe don’t do that please” just lead to her feeling bad and our friendship getting messy. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I miss having conversations about literally anything else besides my buddy’s new famous friends! How do I start this conversation without being a total asshole?
Thanks,
Not Famous, But Still a Friend!
Hello buddy!
I think the answer to this is relatively simply, so I’ll answer it quickly at the top before I expand, just to reassure you: this person still cares about you, you’re not going to lose them from your life, and the conversations will inevitably shift back to things that don’t only include “name dropping.”
The longer response to this is that your friend is experiencing something really exciting and new, so of course that means they want to discuss it constantly. Put yourself in their shoes. It’s neat to have sudden success! It’s also something new for your friend, which means that they’ve never had to deal with it before. Just like you haven’t had to navigate this thing in your friendship, they’ve never had to navigate being in this kind of “celebrity” space.
It doesn’t sound as though they’re trying to exclude you from anything here, which I think is an important thing to keep in mind as you continue to communicate with each other. Be patient with your friend, who sounds as though they’re rightfully enjoying some much-deserved recognition. Just because this person is friends with all these new people doesn’t mean they’re no longer excited or interested in you. If anything, it sounds as though they love you so much that they can’t help but try and share every bit of that excitement with you! They love you and want you to be part of it!
However, I know it can be boring to hear the same thing every day on repeat. Instead of confronting your friend, perhaps try steering the conversation around to different topics when y’all are meeting up for dinner or drinks or chill hangs. A gentle nudge might be all that’s needed to get this moving in a different direction.
This time is short and it will pass. The excitement is new for your friend, and exhilarating, but the dynamics of it will inevitably shift and grow into something more manageable for the both of you. Trust and believe this.
A little more bubbly? Here’s another question for us to mull over:
2) Hi Dad! Apologies if this has been asked before. I work a full-time job which also happens to be writing-heavy, so I don’t always have the time or energy to devote to my own creative pursuits. I end up feeling like I’m moving too slowly and that my window for what I want to achieve (trad pub) is fleeting. Am I the literary asshole for wanting to be successful but at the same time, not moving my own needle?
You’re doing fine!
Sometimes it helps to hear that from someone else.
It’s hard to work all day and then sit down to write, and it’s especially hard to do it if your job happens to be in that same field. By the time the day is over, your brain is fried. It can be discouraging, and I can understand your frustration over the fact that things aren’t moving along as quickly as you’d like. But that doesn’t mean you’re not trying your best!
In terms of being proactive, there are a few things you can do here. One of those things is to make “writing dates” for yourself for times when you’re not at your job. Choose a long weekend and spend it working on a project. Create an itinerary for yourself that prioritizes your work; make it feel like an art retreat. My wife and I do these quite often in our home and we always feel good at the end of them. I’ll also suggest waking up early and getting some writing of your own done before your work day starts. I’m absolutely not a morning person, but when I was working full-time in libraries and simultaneously working on my masters, this was how I got my first novel written. Even if it’s only fifteen minutes of morning time, you’ll still get something done, and it will be fresh and it will be yours. You’ll begin to cherish those early moments when you’re just waking up to greet the day, embracing your own work. Apply for some residencies and workshops. Put 100 percent into them. Putting yourself and your art first makes a hell of a difference.
Most of all, I want you to take it easy on your heart. We can’t make good work while simultaneously experiencing a shame-spiral. Find pockets of time for yourself and you’ll start feeling better. I promise.
I’m feeling tipsy! How about we finish off the bottle as we take a look at our last question?
3) Love the column, but now I think I might have blundered into literary asshole territory. Am I the only one who finds the term “pantser” annoying and even offensive?
Some people plot. Plot seriously. Pages and pages of plotting. But I can’t write that way. I always have an idea of where my story’s going, but how it gets there is a different thing. I’ve tried plotting, and it kills my creativity faster than anything. This used to just be “not plotting,” but at some point (not sure when) it became “pantsing,” as in you write by the seat of your pants. But we’re not. Not really.
I much prefer the term “improv,” as in improvisation. How I write is very much like a jazz or guitar solo… you’re working inside a framework of sorts but how you use that framework is very much in the moment. Would you have called Charlie Parker or Eddie Van Halen a “pantser” because they didn’t script their solos? So why diminish what we do and how we work best?
Sorry for the rant, but this one really grinds my gears.
When it comes to the literary world, we all have things that bother us and make us feel prickly. You’re not an asshole for that!
I will say that you’re also not alone in your non-outlining style. I’ve never been a person who could outline anything. None of my novels have been outlined. None of my short fiction. Not even my essays. People’s brains all work differently. Some people can outline, while others work better without the structure. That’s totally fine! For me, I love writing toward the surprise. That’s what I’ve always called it, and that’s how I continue to work.
“Pantser” does make it sound a little frivolous, I’ll give you that. But I think you can choose your own language when you talk about, even if you can’t change the way anyone else does. Start calling it improv! Here’s hoping it catches on. I’ll go ahead and start saying it, too. Let’s make improv happen!
And hey, you can always feel free to rant to me! My inbox is open. I’m here for you, friend.
And that’s all the time we have for today, folks! Join me next time when we look at more of your anonymous question (send them to me, please) and I also try out my comedy skills in the improv world!
Yes, and,
Dad
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Are you worried you’re the literary asshole? Ask Kristen via email at AskKristen@lithub.com, or anonymously here.
