2. PERSON YOU BARELY KNOW (BUT MAYBE HAVE MET ONCE OR TWICE)
If you’re looking for a new partner because the sex with your current partner has become routine and boring because there was nothing for you guys to do during lockdown besides have sex, a complete stranger is the route for you. Whether it’s someone you connected with on an app or through friends, you are starting from scratch. Therefore you must use acceleration tactics to move this relationship to the next level in time for cuffing season. There are many ways to do this. Draw inspiration from your most toxic friend–you know, the one that goes on one date then lets whatever loser bought her a tequila soda virtually move into her studio apartment for three months.
Another way you can attempt to accelerate the relationship is by being really mean. The most a guy has ever liked me was when I told them the only reason I was hooking up with them is because I hated myself. That worked really well.
You can become more intimate in your texting dynamic by using the word “babe.” “Babe” has so much levity in it, but also vulnerability. It can mean nothing and something at the same time. Unlike its older, financially stable sister “baby,” “babe” can be used at any stage of any relationship. You can say “hey babe” or “what’s up babe?” and they won’t be able to tell if you’re just so confident that they like you or are using it ironically to be mean. Either way it’s great.
3. YOUR “WILL THEY WON’T THEY” FRIEND
Is your love language words of affirmation and your current partner a dummy who barely thinks or speaks? An old friend who knows and gets you (bonus points if you guys made out once when drunk) could be the right switch. There’s even a TikTok challenge to randomly kiss your best friend that will help break the ice if you don’t want to admit how horny you are.
If you are slightly attracted to your friend and you’re not sure if they see you like that, all you have to do is ask yourself if one of your exes was jealous of them. If they were, it means that person is in love with you (a partner’s jealousy is almost never wrong), so go for it.
If you’re not sure if you are attracted to your friend, think about how you would react if you were alone with their sweatshirt. Would you wear it? Smell it? Sleep with it? Or would you pick it up with a pincer grasp and wash your hands after?
A good indicator if I like someone or not is what I do after being in their home. Do I go about my life or do I immediately jump in the shower and throw everything I wore in the laundry including my bra even though I never took it off, solely because it existed in their energy for an hour?
4. A HOT PERSON ON THE PRECIPICE OF ENDING THEIR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP
There are many indicators that a relationship is about to end. Some are more obvious than others, like they’ve been texting you even though they’re still in a relationship (which you know because of Instagram) and the only reason they haven’t told you about it is because they are waiting for the right moment to break up. These are cowards who are too scared to break up until they know there is someone waiting for them right after, and that person could be you.
Sometimes if you think a couple is going strong because they just posted a photo for the first time in a long time, it could actually be the opposite. There was probably a huge fight leading up to the post – perhaps about how he never posts her and she thinks it’s because he doesn’t want anyone to know they’re dating (or vice versa). That forced photo can be your cue that it’s a good time to infiltrate.
While it doesn’t look like we’re getting out of quarantine any time soon, the advantage we have over 2019’s cuffing season is that this time around we know that we’re about to be trapped in an absolute nightmare with whatever person we partner up with. Choose wisely because this is likely the love you’ll have to keep until the vaccine. Is this a toxic way of thinking? Probably, but our current situation makes it kind of hard to start a healthy relationship, so instead of just watching Love Island I think it’s time we start living it. Wishing you all the best for your re-coupling, no matter which path you take, I hope you find someone proper fit with good banter.