April 13, 2023, 11:26am
Ten years—ten years!—reliving JK Rowling’s journey from underdog pastiche to problematic bajillionaire seems like a lot, doesn’t it? And yet Max (formerly HBO Max) plans on sinking millions into a long-running reboot of the YA property.
Obviously a lot happens in the books—frogs are eaten, naked jealousy dreams are had, teachers reveal to students that they had a whopping crush on said student’s mother—but even so, sustaining a show for as long as that without some other kind of hook seems difficult.
To that end, we have envisioned some GOOD ways to spend those Max dollars on Harry Potter reboots we might actually consider watching (if not for the TERFy stuff).
Writes itself. The bakers/potions students assemble under the Big Tent in a battle for domination as home cooks. Will Pavarti Pavel forget to preheat her cauldron? Will Seamus Finnegan leave the Veritaserum in the freezer too long to pipe it onto his Genoise sponge log? Will the chocolate frogs hop when it comes time for the results of the technical bake? Will anyone receive a name that isn’t casually racist?
At the end, bakers wait to receive the verdict from head judge Voldemort: Is he about to give a Handshake, or is he just showing you his sick Death Eater tattoo? Booo, your quiche collapsed (snuffly nasal sounds), ya dead!
Is there some shit going down at the Ministry of Magic? Maybe, but who cares, because today we’re in Molly Weasley’s kitchen garden learning how to grow taties in a cardboard box. You just tuck them under the dirt, ay? Ye don’t say!
It’s a humble plot, but Monty Don loves what she’s done with it.
In the original canon, Harry had a stag patronus; in this reboot, he knows how to close an M&A deal that subtly kneecaps the acquisition target. Dumbledore’s bigger power? Not the ZzzzzZZzzz fronds that come out of his wand, but his ability to tell children and aspiring principals to fuck off, and to manipulate the board.
Fred and George think they’re entrepreneurs but they are not serious people. Same robes, bigger dick moves.
Look (*gasps in mirror*) just give the perverts what they want. Sex + drugs + care of magical beasts.
Obviously, Hermione is surviving this challenge. She might seem shy and retiring in person, but she’s smart as heck and once she lowers the fur cannibal shroud, she’s capable of truly type-A leadership. Ron might not survive this one, which takes us from adolescence to middle-aged malaise for the suburban Hogwarts crew.
It wasn’t given that Daniel Radcliff would go on to happily star naked in Equus and champion social justice, nor that Harry Potter would shack up with Ginny and get a sensible 9-to-5. In this reboot, Harry Potter is washed the hell uppppp in a Malibu mansion, reliving the glory days of Quidditch and giving audiences high-key depression.
Sorry to Kate Atkinson for bringing her into this, but picture Ministry of Magic deputy Percy Weasley mumbling as he traipses a dark Scottish landscape looking for dead bodies to frown over. Each week, a different body, a different burnished shot of Percy’s torso, and a different emotional retreat. Beguiling! Let’s just ignore the whole embarrassing Hogwarts thing.
Imagine how unhinged ten years of Harry Potter television is going to get.
By the time we reach Season 7, we’re nowhere near the Forbidden Forest, as the writer’s room has turned over many times already and no one remembers what the point of this project is, beyond coming up with new storylines each week—no idea is a bad idea! Tune in as Hagrid is swept off the rocks by a rogue wave and washes up in Hobart with no idea who he is or who Harry Potter is (must be nice!).
Follow Hermione and Harry as they get married then immediately have a fatal car crash and Ginny Weasley launches a short-lived singing career.
The best HP book was, IMO, the one about the Triwizard Cup, probably because it reminded us lightly of the Ashes. What if all of Harry Potter had the drama of people trying to get through labyrinths and just … none of that other stuff? Enter: The Crystal Maze: Harry Potter edition, with the weird host this project needs.
We can hope, can’t we. In this Luna Lovegood-run franchise, it’s awkward bonks, sexy arm touches, and good haircuts, as Luna brings the younger Boo to life.