August 18, 2022, 1:30pm
If you’re unfamiliar with the style of Daily Mail headlines, you’re living a more honorable life than I, and I applaud you. For those who recognize the truly bananas way that the paper of ill-record titles its celebrity stories, I present to you… Shakespeare plays, if the headline writers at the Daily Mail got ahold of them.
Macbeth
Birnam Wood Steps Out Near Dunsinane… After Sources Confirm Lady Macbeth’s BLOODY BREAKDOWN
The Taming of the Shrew
Katherina Dazzles After Slimming Down Thanks to Petruchio’s MIRACLE DIET: “The poorest service is repaid with thanks; And so shall mine, before you touch the meat.”
Romeo and Juliet
Juliet Capulet Flaunts Her Toned Physique in Skimpy Mourning Attire Hours After Her Cousin’s Murder… Amid Rumors Her Only Love Sprung from Her Only Hate
Hamlet
Ophelia Showcases Her Svelte Gams as She Wades into the River… Ahead of the World Debut of Boy-Toy Hamlet’s Play
A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Titania Stuns in Silver As Rumors Swirl about Her Steamy Affair… with an ASS
Twelfth Night
Olivia Steps out with Mystery Man… Days After BRUTALLY Rebuffing the Duke: “I Cannot Love Him”
King Lear
Regan and Goneril Reveal Harry and Meghan’s SNUB of King Lear